Episode 88: Jess O’Reilly
Let’s Talk Sex with Sexologist Dr. Jess O’Reilly
This week Samantha chats with sex and relationship expert Jess O'Reilly(@sexwithdrjess). Her research and passion involves teacher training in sexual health and she volunteers in schools and universities to help bring better sex & relationship education to students across Ontario. Jess is also a television personality, author, podcast host (SexWithDrJess Podcast) and international speaker who has facilitated hundreds of corporate workshops and retreats in 35 countries from Lebanon to Costa Rica.
The two discuss how our relationships and sex have such an impact on all areas of our lives from depression to blood pressure. They also chat about ways to disconnect from work while at home and reconnect with your partner. This is a great episode for all couples living, working and being at home together.
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Podcast Script
Sam: [00:00:00] Monetize your passion for wellbeing. The job you love single day and design a happy life from a healthy lifestyle. What's up guys. This is thin skin and other addictions, a podcast by me, Samantha E Cutler of The Fit Fatale . Each week, I'm going to take you deeper into the world of wellness with entrepreneurs who are building brands designed to better your life.
[00:00:27] You'll be hearing from fitness gurus, medical specialists and influencers in the world of fitness, health, beauty, and nutrition. I hope you guys love it. Let's get down.
Jess: [00:00:43] The thing with relationships and sex is that they intersect with every element of our lives. We know that when you have healthy relationships or supportive social ties, you live longer, you have lower blood pressure, you have lower levels of stress, anxiety, depression. [00:01:00] So this is probably the most important piece of our lives that we don't tend to invest in the way we invest in our other areas like health and wealth.
Sam: [00:01:10] You're listening to spin skin and other addictions episode number 88. This week. I have Jess, O'Reilly known as sex with Dr. Jess on Instagram, and she is in me on the show, talking all things, sex and relationships. I'm so excited for this conversation. So Jess is a sex and relationship expert with a background in education, which is so cool because everything she does, she really brings a learning and educational focus to it.
[00:01:37] And she's worked with students all across Ontario and she's traveled the world really helping with hundreds of corporate workshops and retreats in over 35 different countries from Lebanon to Costa Rica, teaching them about sex and sex conversations, safe sex, all of that type of stuff. So I'm really excited to have Jess here.
[00:01:56] She's also a podcast host herself. She's a TV, [00:02:00] personality and author. And really just dive into the realness behind our relationship with our significant other ,sex with ourselves and all of that good stuff. So we have some really great conversations and I hope this is educational, and also just informative in so many different ways that maybe opens you up to new experiences or new ways to approach conversation.
[00:02:21] So without further ado here is our guest today. Dr. Jess O'Reilly.
[00:02:26] We've come to this week's episode of spin skin and other addictions. Today, I am joined by Jess O'Reilly who's @sexwithdr.jess on Instagram. She's a sex and relationship expert with a background in education, her research and passionate involves teacher training and sexual health.
[00:02:44] And she volunteers. Schools and universities across Ontario to bring better sexual education to students. Jess, you may also know because she's a TV, personality, author, and podcast, host of sex with Dr. Jess podcast. She's also an international speaker [00:03:00] and has given hundreds of corporate workshops and retreats all around the world, talking about sex.
[00:03:06] And that is our conversation today, Jess, thank you so much for being here on the podcast with me.
Jess: [00:03:12] Thanks so much for having me I'm excited to chat.
Sam: [00:03:15] Of course, it's always a good conversation when sex is involved. I would love to get started. First of all, with you giving us a little bit of your intro, I discovered you at the Valentine's day event this year, hosted by love by Lindsay.
[00:03:30] And I was blown away by all the information, the conversation, just the way you spoke about sex. So I'll let you give an intro to our audience a little bit about how you found yourself here in your career.
Jess: [00:03:43] Sure. So it was definitely accidental. I didn't, grow up hoping to be a sexologist. And I was a high school teacher with the Toronto district school board, teaching students who were 16 to 21 years old downtown Toronto.
[00:03:57] It was an alternative school and every [00:04:00] single day. The students were coming to me with sexuality and relationships. So unplanned pregnancy, STI , some looking for the morning after pill, abusive relationships, really unhealthy relationships. And I realized that teachers aren't really prepared for this because at the time only 15% of teachers college programs offered mandatory training in sexual health education. So here we were, as teachers thrown into the flames with this very difficult, very controversial topic. I actually had a background because my undergrad was actually in sexual diversities and I had been at a peer counselor. For a number of years and even I felt unprepared.
[00:04:40] So I said, I got to go back to school and do some research to support teachers. So that's exactly what I did. And I thought, Oh, I'll get a job as a consultant with the school board. And of course they were like, we don't hire sex ed consultants, get out of here. And so I started teaching at workshops and writing and speaking and it just ballooned into something totally [00:05:00] different. Within the first year I was lucky enough to land a gig, hosting a reality show in the States about swingers for Playboy, and I got a book deal. And so I started really just doing writing and television, but my passion is more live workshops.
[00:05:15] So they're not even speeches, it's more of a conversation, within the group so that we can actually effect positive behavioral change. And the thing with relationships and sex is that they intersect with every element of our lives. We know that when you have healthy relationships or supportive social ties, you live longer, you have lower blood pressure, you have lower levels of stress, anxiety, depression.
[00:05:38] So this is probably the most important piece of our lives that we don't tend to invest in the way we invest in our. Other areas like health and wealth.
[00:05:49] Sam: [00:05:49] And it's interesting as you say that, our connections are really what reduce anxiety levels, depression levels. And right now we're seeing such a tough time as a globe [00:06:00] like facing our social isolation.
[00:06:02] And we are depending a lot on our partner and the person who we're at home with. And that is why I find this episode. So timely, and I love your approach. It's not only about sex when it comes to the way you speak about nurturing your sexual relationship. It's also the intimacy level and there's so many different layers to it and your approach to working with people.
[00:06:25] So tell us a little bit about what is a sexologist when you had this title, what does that even mean? How do you work with clients? And is that just for couples? Is that for singles is single individuals as well. What does that look like?
Jess: [00:06:39] So sexologist is an umbrella term. You'll have sexologists who are in education, who are in therapy, who are in counselling, who are in group work.
[00:06:46] My preference is education. So I mostly work with groups back in the real world, pre COVID. I was lucky enough to I traveled every week, so I've really, I worked everywhere. I just came off of a long tour in India, albeit, virtually I was [00:07:00] supposed to be there. So I probably worked with about 20 different groups in Southeast Asia.
[00:07:03]And so that's what my job is. It's really just working with groups. I tend to work with entrepreneurs just because of the organizations that hire me. And so it's entrepreneurs in their partners who have it. I don't want to say all together, but they're really invested in their business, but they realize that if they do not invest in themselves and their relationships, everything they achieve in businesses moves.
[00:07:23]So what is the point in earning all this money? If you've let your relationship at home? Slide. What is the point in achieving this degree of success? However you define it. If you go home and you're full resentment, right? You're the quality of your relationship is more important than the quantity of money you're earning, but we spend all our time focused on, on finance, on physical health, even on mental health, but we're not looking at relational health.
Sam: [00:07:50] And I have a whole other workshop that you should be putting out is working, living, and sex with your significant other, because I personally work, [00:08:00] we own a business together, my partner and I. I think that's, as you just were repeating that we focus so much on our career goals and our life goals, and we tend to neglect the intimacy part or.
[00:08:11] You know our partner at home, but when they're one in the same, I think that's the goal. You've got a whole other workshop, but so many people who work with their partners would be so appreciative of and especially now that's really hard for us to separate and I can speak from my own experience, but I'm sure you hear this a lot to separate from work.
[00:08:29]And our life at home. And where do we turn off the computer? Is that end now that we are at home working have you seen that coming up a lot? Just actually making the intentional separation from. Your day to day busy life and integrating back into a softer environment, especially for females.
[00:08:46] I find it very difficult because we have our go getter strong, rougher kind of entrepreneur hat on sometimes in the day. And then you have to switch to being a little bit softer to be with your partner.
Jess: [00:08:59] Yeah, that's definitely a, a more ex more unique challenge when you're working together.
[00:09:03] And interestingly, even people who don't own a business together have found themselves in a similar situation over the last 12 months or so with so many people working from home and that familiarity that overexposure certainly detracts from novelty and curiosity and excitement. There's also, the blending of those roles, as you say.
[00:09:28] And so one thing that I do with entrepreneur couples. Is suggest that they have a ritual every evening, that demarcates time between being working partners and this time between and being, intimate or loving or domestic partners, or however you put it. So whether that's changing your clothes or playing a song or dancing it out or pouring a glass of wine or locking your phones in a drawer. You talk about technology and this is one of the biggest things that I'm seeing at this time and the data [00:10:00] is still relatively new, but I think we're going to see some really concerning data coming out over the next, year and even decade, if we don't make some serious changes around technoference. So technology obviously has the capacity to connect, right?
[00:10:14] We see people starting relationships, online, maintaining relationships online, you and I are chatting and wouldn't have met, had it not been for online. So we have all these positive offshoots of technology, but the way humans use technology of course can be highly detrimental to connection, to intimacy, to understanding to sex.
[00:10:34] And so we have, already data showing that the mere presence of a phone or tablet or computer in a room detracts from connection, from trust, from compassion, from attraction. And so I think it really is important that you sit down. And make a plan, especially if you work together, but including people who are working from home together right now to make a plan around how you use technology.
[00:10:59] So for [00:11:00] example, do you bring your phone to the table or do you leave it in the next room? Do you bring your phone into the bedroom or can you start to wean yourself off of that? And everyone, almost everyone in my sessions will say, yes, I bring my phone into the bedroom. And then I ask them do you bring it into the bedroom because it's your alarm clock?
[00:11:15] And they say, yes, it's my alarm clock. And then I remind them that they can definitely save up, especially the clients I'm working with and buy an alarm clock. And it can be quite revolutionary to keep technology out of the bedroom. So I challenged people to think about the message you want to send when you're at the dinner table.
[00:11:32] When you're sitting on the couch or when you're in bed, what message do you want to send to your partner? Do you want to convey that you are really interested, attracted, engaged in the human body, body in the room connection? Or do you want them to think that what's on your phone is more important, more alluring, more interesting, more captivating, because that is a potential message you can send.
[00:11:55] If I'm lying in bed next to my partner and I'm scrolling through my phone. They may [00:12:00] interpret it as well, whatever's on their phone. Must be awfully important, are awfully interesting, even not on a necessarily a conscious level, but on a subconscious level, that could be the message or the inference that they're making.
[00:12:12] Sam: [00:12:12] Yeah. And I think, as women, we're also very in tuned to what the environment around us and I'll speak, just in our relationship at home, Trevor and I'm, I absorb all that energy right away. And you don't even really realize it, as you said, subconsciously I'll be up, I'll be frustrated or upset if he's on his phone at the table, or if he has to grab something or check it and you don't really even necessarily realize.
[00:12:34] And I loved how you did speak to that when when I first heard you speak and it starts to bring a lot more awareness to, okay, what is it in this situation? That's making me feel like you're totally not paying attention to me. Obviously it's the technology that's in the way, because no one else is here in our home.
[00:12:51] Besides us. What would you say is one thing. And the technology piece is so important. So maybe it's that, maybe something else. What's one thing, every [00:13:00] couple listening or, individual listening can bring back to their partner to start today. What do you think is that one golden rule right now?
Jess: [00:13:07] I think there are a number of things. If I had to boil it down to one thing it's really about talking about your expectations and values. Whether those are financial or related to family and in-laws, or related to how you spend your time or related to your emotional needs, your relational values, your sexual values.
[00:13:24] I have handouts in, in my workshops, on each of these topics that allows you to talk through each of the subjects with your partner. The bottom line is that these aren't one-time conversations. You can't go to a workshop and have the best relationship ever forever and ever. You do not do that in any other area of your life.
[00:13:46] Like you don't go for a weekend fitness class and work out super hard and do really well and feel great in your body and say, Oh I'm done for life. I did that. I already did a fitness workshop. We would never do that. Similarly with finances, right? You don't have a great year where you work really [00:14:00] hard and you save a lot of money and you're really happy with your finances and then say, I'm done investing, I'm done earning money.
[00:14:06] So it's similar in relationships. These are ongoing conversations. So I really suggest that I can mention, I do have a podcast. And the podcast is the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I host it with my husband and Brandon, and we go through a lot of these activities together. Like whether it's the passion interview or a financial interview where you're basically just conversing with your partner.
[00:14:29]And again, it's not a one and done deal, but I think it's important to maybe just think about, what do I value in a relationship? What do I bring to the relationship and what do I want to get out of the relationship? And you can imagine that each of those prompts, bonds a dozen other questions that continue to spawn, it's basically a pyramid scheme of questions to consider.
[00:14:48]But what's exciting is that the relationship just continues to get more fulfilling the intimacy continues to deepen. The excitement can actually [00:15:00] really become reinvigorated, which I think is a real challenge right now during the pandemic people aren't feeling particularly excited by their partners because of that overexposure because of exhaustion because of hyper-vigilance.
[00:15:10] And so these conversations, because they are intimate because they require A good component of vulnerability can deepen your understanding, make you feel closer and make things more exciting. Like you want to live the rest of your life. If you plan on spending a long time with your partner, discovering things about them, like always learning.
[00:15:30] I've been with my partner personally, I've been with my partner for we're coming up on 20 years. Like we met when we were kids and. I just feel like it gets better and better. I feel more excited. I love, I feel more at ease. I feel more loved. I feel more passionate at times. Not all the time, right? I'm not walking around.
[00:15:48] Like I just met him, but it comes from these conversations. It comes from the fact that we do not communicate in a shorthand, it's a voluminous communication, like not beating a dead horse, but really just with the goal of [00:16:00] understanding, not of convincing your partner, but of understanding.
Sam: [00:16:03] And wherever learning ourselves as well.
[00:16:06] So there should be no reason for us to stop learning our partners. And I think what, as you mentioned, that, over 20 years, first of all that's incredible. So you definitely walk the walk of what you said speak, but it's also so important to continue to explore them because they're changing.
[00:16:22]What that conversation may have looked like a year ago or two years ago, I would assume, looks so different now. Do you ever suggest to couples to look at like long-term goals or is that something that's maybe more. Stressful in the long run or is that something that helps bond couples when they really sit down and go okay, what are our five-year goals?
[00:16:42] What are our ten-year goals as a couple? Where do we align on those today?
Jess: [00:16:48] Oh, I think planning for a relationship is brilliant. And there is no specific formula for doing so, but I noticed that people, for example, spend hours and tens of thousands of dollars, if not [00:17:00] more planning their weddings. Yeah.
[00:17:01] But don't do it for the relationship itself. I hear people, who are fighting or feeling tension with their in-laws as they plan a wedding. And then I, recommend counselling and they say they don't have money for counselling. And I'm thinking you're spending, I don't know, like $2,000 on a cake and you're paying $500 for a napkin upgrade.
[00:17:19]Please take that money and invest in your relationship, instead of investing in the wedding. I would actually love to see wedding planners, I should talk to Lindsay from Love with Lindsay about that. Say, you know what, we're going to allocate 5% of your budget to investing in the relationship, whether that's therapy.
[00:17:34] Yeah, absolutely. And I love what you're saying. We do this in some of our workshops. I have a program called marriage as a business where we take some of the acumen and planning from business because all the clients either run a business or own a business and we apply them to the relationship.
[00:17:49]And it doesn't have to be strict. It's not as though, in five years we must have achieved this, but I'll talk more about feelings, right? What are some of the goals with regard to. Excitement and passion, [00:18:00] what are the, some of the things you'd love to try together? What are some of the goals with regard to even conflict?
[00:18:06]So what issues have continued to arise over months or years? How would you like to see them resolved? And, I haven't been accused of sucking the romance out of relationships, but the thing is, once you create this foundation of trust and understanding, and you continue to cultivate that the romance.
[00:18:25] Comes more easily and any resentment around a lack of romance in any, inaccurate beliefs about what romance is tend to dissipate, because we tend to draw our relationship expectations from pop culture and from our parents. Those are our big sources that I hear from people. And pop culture, of course is intended for entertainment.
[00:18:46] It's not education. And even with our parents, most of us, depending on, on your generation, our parents weren't thinking necessarily about the model of relationship that they were setting for us. Like I think about it and maybe, it's cultural, but my parents were just focused on survival.
[00:18:59]They were making sure [00:19:00] they had enough money to give us a good life for me, as parents, my mom is Chinese-Jamaican so that we could, go to school and do what it is we want to do. I know it's very different culturally, but they weren't thinking about how do I set a good example of relational dynamics for my kids?
[00:19:17]No, they were like, how do we put food on the table? Now I think, the next generation because of privilege, not because of any higher degree assistance sophistication, but because maybe we are, they have time to think about these things space to actually consider them. Maybe they are thinking about how they're modelling behaviour with a little bit more conscious thought.
[00:19:37] I don't want to say that my parents weren't mindful of it. But I don't think it was at the top of their priority list.
Sam: [00:19:45] And we see that in, in so many aspects of health in general, if we take sex and our intimate relationships into that model, when it comes to health, it wasn't the same experience or it wasn't the same awareness around [00:20:00] being a role model in that space.
[00:20:01] And we do, as you're saying that, it's very common, I think in, in our age group. And I will see the people that come after us may, like you said, have a different experience, but there is a lot of my parents didn't have those conversations. They didn't have them with us. They didn't have them with each other.
[00:20:16] There wasn't that sense of it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to be vulnerable and intimate. And that is where like myself, Trevor, a lot of people have to make that shift in that change as time goes on. And like you said, a lot of it is privileged that we have the time now and we have the resources and awareness to think about it in a much different way.
[00:20:34]And given what we're going through right now during this pandemic, where both of us are in Toronto here, and we're slowly thawing out from the winter, but of course it's been a very long cold locked down year. We've now had over a year of this pandemic. What, and how do you see the pandemic has impacted couples and their sex life and how is that playing into their routine now at home?
Jess: We have [00:21:00] some preliminary data suggesting that sex has become less frequent for many people, but alongside that data, we're also seeing an increase in the quality of sex people are having. So I'm hoping that this shift from quantity or frequency to quality is one that remains right. Rather than counting how often you're having sex or how many days between each sexual episode.
[00:21:26] I would love to see people tuning into what feels good. What feels given emotionally? Physically relationally, spiritually, all of these different elements that play into pleasure and sex and intimacy. So the other thing I'm seeing and I tend to be an optimist is that people are talking about the relationships in more concrete terms.
[00:21:46] People are opening up about a wider range of feelings. People are using language that they never used before. So openly and often. So talking about feeling unsure or hopeless or conflicted or grateful [00:22:00] or excited or all of these different feelings that we didn't tend to dig into. It was always mad, sad, glad at the top of at the top of the list. And because we have the time, because I think even popular media has shifted these conversations, right? We've never seen so many open conversations about mental health in the corporate environment as well. We have corporations now talking about emotional health, something they've been avoiding, right?
[00:22:28] This notion that business is logical and human, personal is more emotional, well business is comprised of human beings. Therefore, the business is an emotional interaction or exchange. There is no human interaction that is devoid of emotion, whether it's ordering a coffee at your local coffee shop, and they're really nice to you, or they're really rude to you, that's an emotional response. And so I think that to go back to your original question, I think we're going to see an improvement in relationships. If people continue to have these more [00:23:00] meaningful conversations, and I'm really hopeful about that. The other thing I see in my space is as we've started to talk about comfort levels about safer practice distancing masks.
[00:23:11] I hope that translates into much more open conversations about safer sex. If you can talk about whether you expect to wear a mask in a park, hopefully you can also talk about what your barrier methods look like, what safer sex means to you, both physically and emotionally.
Sam: [00:23:26] Yeah, that's a really great point because I would imagine now dating, even in this time can you imagine meeting someone online and being like, okay, so we're going to go for a walk.
[00:23:35] Are you wearing a mask? Are you not wearing a mask? What's your scenario? Who have you been hanging out with? And these are the conversations you're quote unquote, you were supposed to be asking when you're sexually active with different people and so forth. And we're now having those conversations just about our daily life.
[00:23:51] And it's really interesting that you bring that up because it is a very similar, uncomfortable conversation. And even when we think of okay, we're going to go meet up with our [00:24:00] friends for distance walk, like where have they been? Can we ask them that? Are they going to be offended? Can we ask them to wear a mask?
[00:24:05] So it's that same sort of breaking those barriers of what's uncomfortable and protecting ourselves regardless of the realm, which I find like really interesting that you did bring that up. And you also brought up another thing that I want to talk about. I always loved diving into social media.
[00:24:19] My primary business is on social media. You as well, you're across social media, podcasting, so many different aspects of it. And obviously all of your handles, there'll be liked in the show notes. So you guys have to follow Jess on social media, but tell us a little bit how social media has impacted your business maybe over the past year or just in general for the good and the bad most recently and how has that played into your personal experience as an entrepreneur?
Jess: [00:24:48] That's an interesting question because we already have research data showing and we did very early on in the pandemic that social media anxiety has been on the rise because with more time to check in on social media, it means that [00:25:00] we become trained to expect immediate responses to check in on the data.
[00:25:04] And this applies to people who are reliant. On social media or collaborative with social media, for our businesses, as well as those who use it just for personal means, right? There is a lot of stress around social media. So for me personally, I face, Oh, I'll just say I, I see social media as a big source of stress because I am talking about a topic that triggers people.
[00:25:28] On every side of every fence. And I have spent the last, 10 or 11 years in the public eye and feel a lot of pressure around that. This is a really tough thing for me because I also struggle immensely with people pleasing. And so you can't be in the public eye and please everybody.
[00:25:48] And if you're in branding, in branding, it's always, they're always saying speak to your audience. Don't worry about catching everyone. When you have these people pleasing tendencies, and as hard as I work on them, it is a real. [00:26:00] Challenge to try and see all sides of the coin to make sure that people, I also feel like I want people to feel good about where they're at.
[00:26:06] I don't want to bring up 12 different sexual topics or 12 different relational tasks and add to your pressure. And that's always a fear in my field. So yeah, personally, I struggle with the use of social media professionally. It's certainly a challenge because I'm in the field of sex & relationships.
[00:26:23] And so much is censored, right? Even talking about dating, you're not allowed to advertise on so many social media platforms. If you use hashtags that fall into even close to the field of sexuality, you get shadow banned. I've been shadow banned many times. And so we have to be really mindful, friends of mine in the field, colleagues who are brilliant and have spent years building massive followings have had their accounts disabled, especially over the last few months.
[00:26:52] And they've lost everything and some people have been able to, get in touch with someone at Facebook or Instagram and others are just, it's lost forever. You can have a following of 30,000 people and then it's gone, totally gone. I guess I'm lucky that I'm, I am verified.
[00:27:07] So I hope that offers some protection, but it is a scary thing, especially when your business is integrated. Yeah, to not only use social media for your own stuff, but for partnerships and for sponsorships, with my podcast, it's not just the podcast they're buying advertising on. It's also the social channels.
[00:27:23] So yeah, that's a really stressful thing. In the end with everything, I always go back to that kind of, I call it the 99 rule. Will I care about this one? I'm 99 years old. Is this something that is going to stress me out when I'm 99? Or am I even going to remember? Because if it doesn't matter to me when I'm 99, I don't want to waste too much effort on it right now.
[00:27:42] And I also asked myself three things. Does it affect my health? Does it affect the love in my life and does it affect my security? Meaning like I'm going to lose my house. And I'm lucky enough that my security is fine. If I, lose a channel or lose a sponsor or piss somebody off, or somebody [00:28:00] says, I'm going to hell that doesn't change the people in my life, who I love, whom I love and who loved me back.
[00:28:05] And I'd only affects my health if I let it from a stress perspective. So I try and keep those things in check health, love, security. And if it isn't, then I'm not going to spend too much time stressing on it, or at least I'm going to try.
Sam: [00:28:18] That's the perfect trifecta, just to keep as your guiding lights is this, I also love your 99 example will I care about this one? I'm 99. I do the reverse where I'll think when I'm stressed and I look at my list, I'll go, can I do this in five minutes? And then I make a list of all things you can do in five minutes and just bang those out. So you're like, wow the list is only really three bigger things on there.
[00:28:38] And all these other things were quick responses, quick fixes, getting back to someone. But on the flip side, I love that 99 comparison. I care about this and Trev and I often have that conversation because like I've said a few times, we work and live together. And so we'll often say Is this something that matters on our death bed?
[00:28:55]Are we going back to this? And I guess that's the same sort of comparison, but [00:29:00] is this something like, at the end of it, that's contributing to our overall bettering of our life in the future and down the line. And how do we invest in that now? So I, everyone that's listening, you heard those three pillars from Jess.
[00:29:13] I think those are great examples of what to turn back to, to look at. So let's get a little bit further into the social media conversation. I loved that you, first of all, that's super eye-opening to think about how the topics you speak about are often shadow banned and restricted. And I think that's something that's eye-opening within social media in general, there should be specific hashtags that are around sexual health or, specific to sex that are used for education purposes that are used for bettering the lives of those who consume the content.
I always continue to say social media is an amplifier in the good and the bad. But when it's good, it's so tough for a machine or an algorithm or Instagram to dissect them [00:30:00] and decide what's what, we're leaving that up to a machine. And so there should be more open conversations that are not restricted within social media. Whether that's around safe sex or just education or what that looks like for your partner.
[00:30:13] And so that's something that's new to me actually to learn about Instagram. How would you say social media as a whole is impacting individual's sex life? We've spoken about how the phone is playing into everything and how people are at home. Which makes stuff a little, of course, like more stagnant or maybe less frequent, but with social media as a whole we're spending our time, our only social experience, comparing two people on a screen. How has that playing into our sex life and our confidence and our intimacy with our partner? How have you seen that with your clients?
Jess: [00:30:44] I'll talk about a couple of things here. Number one body image is, can be quite adversely effected by only consuming images or videos that are fairly one dimensional, and that are, highly edited or they're a special effects or whatever the [00:31:00] case may be. So certainly that can affect your self-esteem and your body image. And so we always talk about changing your feed, making sure that you're following a kind of a diverse range of bodies so that we realize that not everybody looks exactly the same.
[00:31:15] So that's one piece. Secondly, it has to do with distraction and it comes right back to technoference. So we don't even intend to be on social media as often as we are, but all of a sudden the phone is back in our hand. And so there are simple approaches. For example, I have, I think I have my social media set to a maximum of, I think it's like a minute a day.
[00:31:34] Okay. Obviously I'm on there way more than a minute, but every time I go on, I have, or I can't remember how long it is. I have to actually say ignore limit for one minute or 15 minutes. And so it's a really good reminder to not spend all of your time on there so that you can be more present.
[00:31:51] Present and more in the moment, the flip side is social media, Tik Tok, for example, and Instagram provide these platforms for [00:32:00] sex ed that people can now access. And so now there are more conversations around a broader range of topics, far more representative topics and people addressing these important issues.
[00:32:13] So I think there's certainly some really positive upside to this as well. Now with that, of course, there are people also spreading misinformation because it's not like you need to study specifically or get certified or anything to go online. And so we just have to be mindful of who we're following and how we're consuming that information.
[00:32:32] And more importantly, no expert has the answers. I don't have the answers to resolve the issues in your sex life or your relationships. Sometimes you're going to like some of the things I say, and you're going to apply them in your life. And sometimes you're going to say, oh, that really doesn't make sense to me.
[00:32:48] And so I feel that my job as someone who's online, is to start conversations. So if you like something I've said, okay, maybe you implemented, maybe you make a change. Maybe you bring it to your partner. If you don't agree with [00:33:00] something I say, if I put something out there that really doesn't align with your own experience and values, obviously you're the expert in yourself.
[00:33:06] But hopefully you take that and you take it to your partner and say, I saw this, what do you think about that? And hopefully it starts a new conversation.
Sam: [00:33:15] And you recently posted something on how you can introduce something new into your routine. And I love that you have those conversations because a lot of people have those questions and have nowhere to ask.
[00:33:25] So beyond just, spreading awareness and information around sex, you also help on social media walk through different scenarios. And I loved that post that you did. Like here's how you can start introducing a new routine or how to have that conversation cause that's often where, if you've been in, in a habit or in a routine for years and years, that's where like your partner may even look at you and go, okay, this is weird.
[00:33:48]This is a weird thing versus coming from, and you're having those conversations. Can you share some of that with our listeners today on introducing new habits?
Jess: [00:33:58] Yeah, absolutely. I [00:34:00] think oftentimes when we feel something is missing or we want to try something new, we tend to start from a deficit model.
[00:34:05] We say, you never do this, or we never do this anymore. We're not getting enough of this. And so I try and take it back to this three step approach, which involves highlighting the positive, making an inquiry or offer, and then making a specific request. So highlighting the positive is a simple affirmation.
[00:34:23]Oh, I love the way you do this. Or I love the way it felt when we did this. Or I'll never forget how you did this thing. And then making an inquiry involves. Asking them how they're feeling or asking them what they think or asking if there's anything they'd like to try or asking them, if this is even a good time for the conversation, what a better time might be, and then shutting up and listening, not 10 questions, one question, and then zip your lips and let them answer.
[00:34:49] Even if you have to sit through awkward silence. And then once you've worked your way through that, then you make your requests, right? And it's not a complaint you could say. I would love if you kissed me, when you walked into the [00:35:00] room. Every night or, I had a dream about trying this thing, or I read an article about, or I heard on the podcast, this concept, what do you think of trying it?
[00:35:09] And so you, I think that kind of three-step model helps to reframe that deficit model into making a constructive request and also creating space for conversation.
Sam: [00:35:23] I want to dive into a little bit about libido. So this is a big topic, especially right now. I've been here, I've been talking about it with friends. I've been hearing a popping up. I think it does tie into our relationship with social media and the pandemic of course, and that fire sometimes missing are those date nights, all that kind of stuff is shifting and.
[00:35:43] There's a big conversation around libido. And I personally am a lover of all things, food and holistic healing. And I'm very curious if you have any comments or conversations around libido foods or supplements or anything that you've seen with your clients or maybe [00:36:00] yourself that, that works for libido, or if you have any other suggestions to share.
Jess: [00:36:06] Yeah, I think we need to consider the possibility that libido. Isn't something that resides inside of us, it's something that you create. And so we oftentimes think about hormones or what's going on in the body and yes, those things matter. But oftentimes what I see matters more is how are you communicating with your partner?
[00:36:24] How are you feeling with your partner? How are you feeling about life right now? So if we think about, for example, anxiety and depression and exhaustion and being emotionally worn down, Perhaps there are foods or exercises or behaviour, behavioural changes. You can make to address those things, but it's not necessarily a direct path of I ate a slice of watermelon and now I'm ready to go.
[00:36:46] Or if I eat cherries, it puts me off oysters.
Sam: [00:36:49] Won't just do it for us.
Jess: [00:36:51] Yes. So oysters of course, are high in zinc and contain other nutrients that could potentially assist with, for [00:37:00] example, blood flow. But. Libido. Isn't just about blood rushing to the genitals. As we all know, you can get physically aroused, but not be aroused subjectively or mentally.
[00:37:11] And so I really want people to think about libido. I try and change the word to sexual desire as something you go out and get. And create as opposed to something that's just waiting inside of you. And we often talk about two types of desire, spontaneous desire, which just happens. And of course could be related to your lifestyle, to your sleep, to your diet, to your exercise, your stress levels, but then there's responsive desire, the desire that you create and what that usually means.
[00:37:37] Is getting physically aroused first and then seeing if the subjective arousal follows. So you might say I'm not in the mood tonight, I'm going to sleep, cool. No problem. Or you might say I'm not in the mood, but I do like the way it feels. I like the way we feel connected after. Let me see what I can do to put myself in the mood.
[00:37:54]What can I fantasize about? How can I touch myself? How can I reach for a toy? What can my partner say to me? [00:38:00] How can we lie together naked and just breathe? How can I tap into a memory of something we did recently? Yeah. And I think people feel that nones maintaining his desire is less valid.
[00:38:11] When in fact, we're continuing to see data that in long-term relationships, that is what keeps sex going.
Sam: [00:38:18] I love that it's shifting not something inside of us, but something that's ever ongoing. And I think that's something, I speak about a lot with girlfriends or with people within my network that women tend to, or maybe this is a broad assumption.
[00:38:32] Absolutely. But what I've experienced personally is that women tend to speak about all the different impacts, like as females and maybe, I'm sure there is some science behind this, but we need all the sort of things in our life to line up where oftentimes like, even when it comes to my partner and I, Trev’s like, all right I'm feeling shitty and I can switch like that.
[00:38:50]I can switch my mindset. Whereas with women, we also require more of the like, The romance factor often. Do you feel like that's true or is [00:39:00] that just a myth that we hear within society?
Jess: [00:39:05] I think it's fair to say that it's more common with women, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist with a significant proportion of men as well.
[00:39:17] There are plenty of men. Yeah, who are not spontaneously in the mood. There are plenty of guys who have to force themselves, not force, but push themselves, nudge themselves to also get in the mood, especially as stress levels increase, especially with age, especially with the longevity of the relationship.
[00:39:34] I would say that difference may exist between genders, but there's also a huge variation, right? Among all of the genders. So I think I just always want to be mindful of letting people experience what they experience, right? So if when a woman is a one in 10, we feel like what's wrong with us?
[00:39:49] Why are we always in the mood? Or when a man is the one in actually 28% of man experience can experience low sexual desire. That's some new data coming out. So it's more common than we realize. [00:40:00] And I think that it's harder for those who fall into the minority to speak up. And that's why we hear fewer of their stories.
Sam: [00:40:07] Very true as women, we tend to speak a lot more. Openly all the time, we just spew information between our communities. And I think that's also, like you said, where, if you are the one that falls outside of what society shows us the norm, then it does become more difficult to say, Hey, I'm outside of those numbers of statistics outside of that quote unquote societal norm, which we know is not the norm.
[00:40:34]Is there anything else you want to share with us today? Jess? I feel like we've had so many good nuggets of information for our listeners to take away, to bring back to their partners, to implement new potential routines. Is there anything else you want to leave our listeners with that they can implement?
[00:40:51] Think about, maybe just have a conversation around as we sign off here.
Jess: [00:40:57] I would say, just think a little bit about your sexual [00:41:00] values. What does sex mean to you? Why does it matter to you? What do you want to get out of it? Because sometimes we just think of the orgasm or the physical or the closeness, but there can be so much more.
[00:41:10] So if you can consider your sexual values, thinking about, what are the benefits, all the different benefits to sex, what do you want to give and what you want to receive? And I think that's a good place to start.
Sam: [00:41:20] I love that. Yeah. Just are much higher self and what the reward is that we experience.
[00:41:27] It's you feel great when you work out and you take care of yourself. I feel like this is another component of our self love of our health that we need to continuously nurture and. And incorporate into our quote unquote wellness routine. And Jess, I want to thank you so much for being here with me.
[00:41:45] Can you share with our listeners where they can find you? I know we've spoken a little bit about your podcast, your social handles, where can I continue to get all of this great information and follow along.
Jess: [00:41:55] I'm @sexwithdrjess everywhere online. And if you're [00:42:00] looking for courses, especially around more mindfulness and sex, I have a series of sexual courses at www.happiercouples.com.
Sam: [00:42:08] Thank you so much for taking the time today, Jess, I'm so happy that we met through the workshop that we did on Valentine's day. It was incredible. I can speak first hand to the way Jess speaks with couples and really integrating all aspects. I remember, in that conversation talking about what's one thing you can do for your partner that you can change today and it's the full picture.
[00:42:29] And that's why I think your approach to sex is holistic and very modern and very realistic as well for our listeners. So thank you so much for your time today and you are doing something great. You're phenomenal. And I am definitely a big fan.
Jess: [00:42:44] Thank you so much for having me.