The Art of Battle Picking

Picking your battles can be one of the hardest parts in growing our emotional and professional selves... so I'm starting to learn! In business picking battles is important for more of a time management reason. It's almost impossible to over come every little obstacle that comes our way, so some just have to be pushed aside for matters of priority. While in relationships, picking battles can be one of the most important factors in keeping moving forward or battling your final battle.

With friendships for some reason I have always been more accepting of that little thing that you may not be so fond of...a personality trait, a drunk behaviour, a habit (like that one friend who never answers back for days!) and personally have always looked at it like this - people will be who they want to be and do what they want to do, so at the end of the day, is this behaviour something I can live with or not? Living by this has allowed me to develop some of the utmost meaningful friendships without judgement or backstabbing or gossiping. Just loving support. I thank the universe for these friends everyday.

But if no, if they are constantly disrespectful, or always judging then you have to think, this is not going to change and this is therefor not someone I can have in my life. If the habit is something like your friend is always late to dinner (and some of us take longer to do our lush locks than others - just saying!) and you can live with this because they are a beautiful person, then there you have your answer. This is a personality trait you accept or don't. It's not worth an argument. I've always looked at friendships this way. It's full acceptance or if not, it's someone who you keep at a distance. That's what it comes down to.

However in intimate relationships (with your boyfriend, husband, parents or someone who is not a ditch n switch situ) you need to consider which battles you'll fight and which you swallow. So this is what I am trying to figure out .... I feel a lot of things, right at the top of my throat, emotions - building up - and then of course I say what I need to... which ultimately makes sense.... communication is key right? It's what we are told in relationship 101. But, too often can hinder the situation. We can't say it all.... but picking what to say is hard. Especially for someone like me.

You may get it by now, I write it out and I talk a lot! It's my personality and my passion. And some of you may have similar habits (if you don't I suggest picking up a pen and pick a word that is on your mind and just see what comes out - it helps a lot!) and for those lucky ones who don't need to always say what they feel well great on you. But for those like myself who feel the need to speak up about what ever the hell we feel, at what point do you draw the line? (And it's a pretty thin one between speaking through your emotions and being a naggy annoying chick!) and bottom line for yourself, if you don't you'll always feel sad. Emotional. unhappy. Not good enough. Unloved. Stop always feeling everything. At what point will you love yourself unconditionally to love someone else to this degree.

You see when it turns into every little emotion is a battle because you are not interested in loosing the person, or have fear of this happening (remember this is not a switch and ditch relationship in your mind) you can ultimately annoying the hell out of them and quite frankly yourself. So what's the solution? Apparently picking your battles.

I say apparently because it's something I'm throwing out there at all of you. I personally am working on it.... because when in it, we feel like what we are doing is good. We are trying to save something with someone we don't want to lose. But how much do you actually freakin care about the god damn "battle" if you're gonna lose the fight and maybe lose that person. If you're willing to go to war then by all means continue, but if the fact that your insecurities are causing silly uproars every few days, get the crack over it. Literally. Because that crack will turn into the Grand Canyon real quick.

My experience with friends has been pretty successful and those I chose were "I live with it " situations I have had incredible growth and long term bonds with. Those not worth it have usually been the right decisions. But in relationships how can we push things aside we think we need to fix to stay with that person in a healthy bond? Well for one, is it even something you need to fix? Maybe it's unfixable, and maybe it's something you'll love later on down the line (this has happened to me!). If it's not then it may not be worth it or right for you.

Then there is the factor that a relationship is supposed to be about unconditional love and support.... If you accept the person for exactly who they are in all of their flaws and glories, then you have the beauty to actually know that person... to see how they'll act and respond. It's really beautiful and begins to mean something. Allowing someone to be their true self is experiencing real beauty. And real love. Then you care less and less about those little battles because those things ARE them. And you love them. So you don't need to find an augment in it!!

Great, so we kind of have an idea that we should not always sit on the sideline and let it pass us by, but the small things like habits, personality traits and the same things you accept or reject in friends, those are the ones you let slide. Kinda a guide line... like if for example he sucks at answering his phone during the day. A yay or nay argument. Probably a nay right?.... because he's out hustling his butt to take you out Saturday night. Get over it before you even start thinking of this battle. Trust me!

But there are some worth fighting. And how do we identify those? Perhaps those that are deliberate actions that hurt you, or bad intentioned decisions. These are actions that make you feel hurt and closed off because you know what they can do to you. These are worth showing how they make you feel. BUT make sure it's a reaction to something they are doing and not a reflection of your own insecurity.... huge difference, and huge learning curve to work out.

So basically I'm coming to terms that my serious side can only go so far.... I preach happy happy happy. And I am happy. I'm really happy, every day, not all day and but every day. And being happy is filling your heart with love. And love is acceptance and zero judgement. Happiness and acceptance go hand in hand. Sometimes We can forget that. Another part of it is accepting yourself to reach ultimate happiness. It's all about being who you want to be. But if you haven't fully decided you actually deserve and want to be happy, well your battles will keep coming.

There are two quotes I want to leave you with. I may not know the exact answer to how to pick your battles, but I am trying to find what works for me in my own relationships and those worth fighting for.

Lightly lightly they say. To feel a little more lightly. It's crazy. Forget the severity, the serious need for drama and attention. Just live..... love and accept 100% of who someone is or don't. But this my friends is not your battle to fight, you do or you don't and only time will tell. Until then, sideline a few of these "can I live with this trait" arguments until you see if you have a few of these "can I unconditionally love this person" confirmations locked down.

Then you have your battles answered. Unconditionally.

xx Sam